It’s hard to explain to anyone the guilt that I feel. It tears me down. Its like adding a new puncture to my heart with a knife every time I think about it. Sometimes I am overcome with panic to try to fix it, to try to justify it. But how. How do you justify something like this?
You don’t. Because it was wrong. He is a grown man and he made these choices. Now he has to live with them.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I just want to be able to turn my head. To walk away. To let him deal with HIS life. It is his life. Not mine. I have a life of my own. A very busy one at that. But no matter how much I try to walk away, I can’t.
I have this overwhelming sense of guilt. It is gut wrenching and painful. I feel that I am responsible for taking someones life away. It’s so hard to describe for other people. And I am overrun with it. Some days it is impossible for me to deal with. This guilt is constantly in the back of my mind, secretly infecting all of my emotions.
I recently moved and it was tough for me. I packed all of my things and went through pictures of Wes and his dad. I went through letters and clothes. The memories flooded my mind. All of the good and all of the bad. This short life that we had built together. The one he tore down brick by brick with his bare hands.
There were painful reminders of fights that happened. Holes in the wall, dents imprinted by his fists. And there were beautiful reminders. Westley’s first picture. The bed he put together for Wes just a few days before he was arrested. Smiles, laughs, love. I found things that made me bust out laughing from the goofy memories of him. I found things that made me sob and feel hate for him because he ruined me. I found things that would make me smile and cry happy tears. It was all such a train-wreck of emotions.
Shortly after he was arrested the second time, I was driving to pick up Wes from his grandmas house. It was pouring down rain and I was crying so hard that I could hardly see between my tears and the rain. I remember thinking that all I needed to do was let go of my steering wheal and it would all be over. No one needs me. Wes has all that he needs and he has people who love him so much. I can’t do this. I can’t be a good mom and deal with all of this. It’s not fair. All of a sudden I felt a presence in my car with me. I cant even begin to describe it. I felt it and I began to scream out loud. I yelled and cried hard tears. How could you. Why is this happening to me. What do you want me to do?!
I cried and yelled and screamed until I felt a sudden sense of peace. I wiped away my tears and I felt like I was meant to do something. Something was going to happen.
I picked up Wes with no evidence of my tears and I brought him home.
A few weeks after this I met Rob. My life has been different ever since.
This is why. I can just hear this presence that was in my car with me that day say to me, this is why.
Because Rob loves me. He loves Wes. And he loves our little boy who has yet to come into this world.
I still spend a lot of my time morning Westleys dad. I feel like I lost someone who was so very important and special to me. I lost someone I sincerely loved as a dear friend. I am mourning the father of my little boy. And it hurts so very much. I feel this guilt and pain and there is nothing I can do with it. I don’t know where to put it. It is hurting my relationship with Rob.
Today I was in a panic and was crying because no one has been able to go and see him for two weeks now. I felt responsible and I can just hear him telling me that he feels abandoned. And like we don’t care.
He abandoned his son by making the choices he did. And that is painful. He made horrible choices and they affect us. That is painful.
My mom called and she cried with me. She begged me to put the guilt down. She begged me to focus on myself, Wes, and this life that is growing inside me. She begged me to focus on my relationship with the man who loves and cares for us all.
“You cant carry the weight of the world Amanda, put it down.”-Mom